Hard days

I see that I last posted 7 weeks ago.  And I meant to post more often.  But things have been hard.

I have resisted putting this out there, because it seems like such a private thing, but I really need a place to write down my thoughts.

Three weeks ago my sister brought my dad home to live in her house under hospice care.  He was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer back in August, and in January it was determined that he had "days to weeks" left.  So my sister selflessly took him into her home, to spend his last days in a warm, caring home, with a great view.  Both of my sisters and I (and our husbands and kids) have pretty much put our lives on hold caring for my dad.  He has care during the day from a caregiver for the basic stuff, but one of us is always there for whatever else arises.  I'm being vague on purpose.

And it's hard.  Really really hard and it sucks.  He's doing rather well, considering, which is also hard.  It's hard waiting for someone to die.  It's hard watching him die.  It's hard having no normalcy or routine.  It's hard not knowing when "it" is going to happen.  It's hard to not be able to schedule anything in the next month.  Or the next three months.  Or?  It's hard to visit funeral homes to make arrangements for his death when he's still alive.

I miss my kids, and my husband, and my job, and going to the park and out for dinner.  I miss cooking.  I miss training for the Bay to Breakers.  I miss my cat who died in August.

So I'm just cranky and complainy and really looking for the bright side when I basically just want to walk out the door and get on a plane to somewhere.  Since this is my blog, I'm going to complain here.  More.  Feel free to not read on.